It has now been a year since I moved away from my small town in Northumberland to the city I studied my degree in. This change has been a huge and terrifying one. I have struggled, a lot. I have cried, a lot. I have also absolutely loved every minute of it, purely because in this past year I have learnt more about myself than I could have ever imagined.
Tranquility of home life before the madness of a city…
Before I moved away into my own flat and worked full time, I had been a student in Sheffield. I had obviously lived away from home, but you never quite know how hard it is to ‘properly’ move away until you are paying your own bills, working to pay rent as well as trying to cook, clean and keep on top of trivial ‘adult’ things like getting electricity meter readings done and knowing not to automatically call your Mum or Dad when you find a leak in your bathroom!
This transition was a huge one, and not one I had fully considered before I attended a job interview on a snowy January day in 2015! Nevertheless, I got the job and within three weeks I had signed a contract for a flat, packed up my room at home and moved myself into a flat in Sheffield city center. Thinking back, I was utterly terrified. I had no idea how lonely I would get, how much I would struggle adjusting to life as a full time worker rather than a student within this city and how many personal ‘battles’ I would have to overcome to get to where I am today. I was so naive, so unaware of how much of a huge step I was taking into the unknown.
Within the first four months of living alone after being in a lively household back in Northumberland I had developed anxiety disorder, severe depression and I had started having severe panic attacks and anxiety attacks on a day-to-day basis. This was the biggest battle I had ever had to deal with. I was incredibly lonely in my flat, I spent a lot of time completely by myself. I spent a lot of my time crying, wishing I was at home and begging my partner to spend more time with me so I could escape my loneliness and feel a sense of normality. I wasn’t enjoying my job as much as I had hoped and the friends I still had in and around the city all had full-time jobs so we couldn’t see each other as much. It got to the point where I did not want to be on this earth anymore, I wanted to fall asleep and forget everything. I wanted to run away, get on a bus, train, plane or boat and just have everyone forget me. I wanted to escape my dark world, turn back time and go back to where I was 6 months previous, living with my siblings and parents, in my comfort zone and away from this pit of misery I had found myself in. This may sound dramatic, but I really felt this way.
It took 8 months of denial, arguments, tears and persuasion before I eventually went to get some professional help. I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, Panic Attack Disorder and Severe Depression. I was given medication and for a while started to feel like the old Laura again… I started to feel alive. This didn’t last for long. I went back to the doctors and they upped my medication. I am now on the home straight! I have changed jobs, I have started ‘nesting’ in my flat so it actually feels like my home and I have felt more myself over the past three months than I have in the past three years. Its a long road but I am taking everyday step-by-step and seeing what I can overcome.
This blog will be my journey, it will be my safe haven to share my thoughts and feelings behind a computer screen!
I apologize for such a ramble in my first post, but I needed to remind myself of how far I have come in the past 12 months and how much further I can take myself in the next 12!
My new found tranquility…
Welcome to my world…